Using Krazy Glue

For all of you would-be handymen out there, here's a checklist for the best way to get broken pieces of anything glued back together using Krazy Glue. This is my tried-and-true method, the way I do it every time. I hope this helps you.

1. Take broken pieces to the workshop in the basement.
2. Clean off each piece of the broken item and make sure you know how each piece should fit together.
3. Clear off some space on the bench by piling the piles of stuff in the middle on top of the piles of stuff to one side.
4. Brush away the sawdust that was created when you cut that piece of wood three months ago.
5. Dig under the piles of stuff you just moved to find the Krazy Glue container.
6. Remove the lid of the container and smile at the words "clog-free!" on the label.
7. Squeeze the container over one of the broken items. Ensure that no glue comes out of the tube.
8. Continue squeezing harder and harder so that if glue were to come out of the tube, it would be shot across the room and land on the wall.
9. Take a thin, sharp object like a staple and try to poke a hole in the end of the tube. This didn't work the last twenty-three times you tried it, but maybe this time it will.
10. Get a utility knife and cut a tiny piece off the end of the tube.
11. Repeat steps 7-10, cutting bigger and bigger pieces off the end each time. Continue until one of the only two possible results occurs:
    1. the entire contents of the tube are dumped onto the items you're gluing. In this case, throw everything in the garbage before the glue dries. You're done!
    2. the entire plastic bit on the end is gone and there is still no glue coming out. Continue with the next step.
12. Throw the tube in the garbage.
13. Go over to the garbage can. Pick up the tube, which is on the floor next to the can.
14. Throw the tube in the garbage.
15. Go to the hardware store, buy a new tube. Make sure you get the "clog-free!" stuff, paying extra for it if necessary.
16. Open the tube, place one drop of glue on one piece and hold the other piece against it for about ten seconds.
17. Place the item on the workbench, making sure to arrange it so that there is no pressure on the repaired joint.
18. Let it dry for a few minutes if your wife asked you to fix it, or three days if one of your kids did since they've already forgotten and have moved on to something else.
19. Make sure you follow the storage directions on the container, so that the tube doesn't get clogged when you put it away.
20. Six months later, when you need to glue something else, start again at step #1.