The only good spider is a dead spider. And they're not that good.

How much do I hate spiders? I'll tell you how much I hate spiders.

We have a cold room (i.e. pantry) in the basement, stocked with food we buy on sale. We have enough boxes of cereal in there to feed a small army. This is also where we keep the pop and beer to keep it cold, even in the summer.

A few days ago Gail went grocery shopping. When she returned, she put a bunch of stuff in a cardboard box so we (that is to say I) could bring it all down to the cold room at once. I brought the box downstairs and was about to open the door to the cold room when I saw a spider on the floor. It was about an inch and a half wide – not huge, but not tiny either. I put the box of food down on the spider and moved it around to make sure it was good and squished. Then I saw another spider on the wall. The door to the cold room is off of the workshop, and I keep a pair of slippers in there in case I'm working with wood – I don't want to drag the sawdust around the house on my socks. I grabbed a slipper, squashed the second spider, put the slipper back down and walked back upstairs.

Three days later, the box of food is still sitting on the floor outside the door of the cold room because I don't want to look at what's underneath it.

Unclear on the concept

This is an actual conversation I had with Nicky (age 10) after school today.

Nicky: Dad, can I play on the computer?

Me: No. Remember during the last school year when we did what we called "screen-free weeks"? You and Ryan would go from Monday to Thursday during the week with no computer, no TV, no Nintendo, no iPod because otherwise that's all you'd do. You'd never read, never play outside, never play board or card games, never play with any other toys, just video games and TV. Sometimes you'd even ignore homework. Once we started with the screen-free weeks, you found other things to occupy your time. For whatever reason, we've managed to get away from that recently, so you guys are spending too much time staring at computer or TV screens. So we're going to start that up again. If you need the computer for school work that's fine, but otherwise you'll have to find something else to do.

Nicky: Ok.

<five minutes later>

Nicky: Dad, can I watch a movie?

Why I blog

A child's perception of time

Dumbest spam ever

I received a spam email this morning with the subject "Summary of junk emails blocked – 1 Junk Emails Blocked". It was ironically intended to look like a report from some kind of spam filter saying that an email was blocked. There were a number of links on the page for how to manage lists or configure your settings for this non-existent application. I knew it was spam because (a) it didn't mention what spam application or web site it was using (I'd expect that in big letters across the top), (b) I have never signed up for any such service, (c) my company used to have a similar service but stopped it a few years ago (and this wasn't it), and (d) the email was sent to an old email address of mine that I no longer use but still works.

But the real giveaway that this was fake was that all of the links in the email go to the address 192.168.0.22:10080. Any address beginning with 192.168 is what's known as a private address, which means that it's a special address that's only accessible from another machine on the same network. By "network" I don't mean the Internet, I mean, basically, the collection of computers connected to your local router. My machine currently has the IP address 192.168.0.108. Posting your IP address on the internet for all to see might be considered a security risk, but there is no security problem with posting private addresses because unless you are connected to my network, you can't get there. Not because I'm clever and have set up fancy rules or anything, just because that's the way TCP/IP addressing works.

So if I were to click on a link in this spam email, first of all you'd have my permission to come to my house and smack me upside the head. Secondly, nothing bad would happen in this case, because for it to work, there would have to be a machine inside my network with that address, with an HTTP server listening on non-standard port 10080. The odds of there being a machine on my network that just happens to have that IP address and just happens to have an HTTP server listening on that port and just happens to have evil software running on it are beyond remote. The only other possibility is that some hacker has already penetrated my network, set up a machine with that IP address and an HTTP server complete with malware, and then sent me a spam email to get me to visit that machine. This is unlikely as well – you've already broken in, why bother with the spam? This is like breaking into a bank in the middle of the night, then calling a bank employee from the inside, and while pretending to be the bank manager, asking him to unlock the front door. You don't need the front door unlocked, you're already inside.

The most likely scenario is that the people who created the spam email are idiots. They set up a server on the internet that they wanted you to connect to (that had malware or whatever on it). Since they set up the server in the first place, it's likely on their local network and the way they connect to it is through the 192.168 address. That's not the way the rest of the world would get to it, but they didn't know that. The result is that they have sent out this spam email (and likely paid to do it) and will never get any hits, even from people who do foolishly click on the links.

Couldn't happen to a nicer bunch of guys.

\m/

This is an actual conversation that took place at my house tonight. Note for the record that Nicky is 9 and has been playing the guitar for about a year and a half.

Me: Nicky, can you practice your guitar please?
Nicky: I can't find my song sheet. It's not in my book.

We searched his room and the office for a while, no luck.

Nicky: Can we look on the internet for the music and print another one?
Me: Sure.

<Fires up the browser, heads to google.ca>

Me: What's the name of the song?
Nicky: Master of Puppets.
Me: O_O

Nicky and some friends, when his hair was longer.

Using Krazy Glue

For all of you would-be handymen out there, here's a checklist for the best way to get broken pieces of anything glued back together using Krazy Glue. This is my tried-and-true method, the way I do it every time. I hope this helps you.

1. Take broken pieces to the workshop in the basement.
2. Clean off each piece of the broken item and make sure you know how each piece should fit together.
3. Clear off some space on the bench by piling the piles of stuff in the middle on top of the piles of stuff to one side.
4. Brush away the sawdust that was created when you cut that piece of wood three months ago.
5. Dig under the piles of stuff you just moved to find the Krazy Glue container.
6. Remove the lid of the container and smile at the words "clog-free!" on the label.
7. Squeeze the container over one of the broken items. Ensure that no glue comes out of the tube.
8. Continue squeezing harder and harder so that if glue were to come out of the tube, it would be shot across the room and land on the wall.
9. Take a thin, sharp object like a staple and try to poke a hole in the end of the tube. This didn't work the last twenty-three times you tried it, but maybe this time it will.
10. Get a utility knife and cut a tiny piece off the end of the tube.
11. Repeat steps 7-10, cutting bigger and bigger pieces off the end each time. Continue until one of the only two possible results occurs:
    1. the entire contents of the tube are dumped onto the items you're gluing. In this case, throw everything in the garbage before the glue dries. You're done!
    2. the entire plastic bit on the end is gone and there is still no glue coming out. Continue with the next step.
12. Throw the tube in the garbage.
13. Go over to the garbage can. Pick up the tube, which is on the floor next to the can.
14. Throw the tube in the garbage.
15. Go to the hardware store, buy a new tube. Make sure you get the "clog-free!" stuff, paying extra for it if necessary.
16. Open the tube, place one drop of glue on one piece and hold the other piece against it for about ten seconds.
17. Place the item on the workbench, making sure to arrange it so that there is no pressure on the repaired joint.
18. Let it dry for a few minutes if your wife asked you to fix it, or three days if one of your kids did since they've already forgotten and have moved on to something else.
19. Make sure you follow the storage directions on the container, so that the tube doesn't get clogged when you put it away.
20. Six months later, when you need to glue something else, start again at step #1.

A conversation with a 3-year-old

I took Ryan to the dentist yesterday. While he was in getting his work done, I was sitting in the waiting room pondering the meaning of life with the help of the internet, by which I mean I was reading twitter on my phone. A little boy, maybe 3, came out of the back and sat on the couch next to me. His brother and sister (around 8 and 5) sat in chairs next to the couch while their mother was paying and making future appointments. The kid that sat next to me was very friendly and we had a fun little conversation over the next few minutes:

Kid: Hi!

Me: Hi.

Kid: Do you have a brother?

Me: No.

Kid: You don't have a brother?

Me: No, but I have a sister.

Kid: You have a sister?

Me: Yes. Do you have a brother?

Kid: Ya, he's over there (points to his brother, who waves).

Me: Is that your sister?

Kid: Ya, that's my sister (points to her). Just like you have a sister.

Me: Except you have a big sister. I have a little sister.

Sister: What's your sister's name?

Me: Her name is Trudy.

Kid: Trudy? That's a good name. Are you waiting for your sister?

Me: No, she's not here. She lives in Toronto.

Kid's mom: Shhhh! Don't bother the man! He's trying to read!

Me: Oh no, that's fine.

Kid: (Picks up a sports magazine) Do you play basketball?

Me: No, I don't.

Kid: Do you play hockey? You probably play hockey.

Me: No, but I like to watch hockey!

Kid: Do you play basketball?

Me: Uh, no. I play baseball.

Kid: I play hockey!

Me: Do you? It's lots of fun, isn't it?

Kid: (pauses, looks over pictures in magazine) Do you have a kuck?

Me: Pardon me?

Kid: Do you have a kuck?

Me: Do I have...

Sister: He wants to know if you have a truck.

Me: A truck? No. I have a little car. It's out there but it's behind other cars so you can't see it. (I notice at this point that there's an ad for a truck on the page he's looking at.)

Kid: Do you want to buy a truck?

Me: I don't know. I like trucks.

Mom: (Finished paying, gathering up the kids) I'm so sorry.

Me: Oh, no problem at all! He's quite friendly, isn't he?

Mom: (Shaking head) Oh my God, is he ever.

Make a teaching fairyland

Nicky was given a toy last week – a 3D puzzle of a Ferrari racing car. The puzzle was made in China, and the people who created the packaging were obviously not English-speakers. Perhaps they had access to Google Translate and decided that translating the Chinese text a word at a time was the best way to go. We had a pretty good time reading the instructions:

Use hand and head --- Training kid's flexible for their proportion on the hands and eyes. Develop them imagination ability. Make a teaching fairyland.

Design munificent --- It can be assemblaged detached over and over, and looks like veritable. It needn't any assist tools.

Perfect in workmanship --- Materials are daintiness. Safety and slightly. Full of colour printing.

It could certainly be said that it's not fair to make fun of these people because their English, as bad as it is, is better than my Chinese. This is absolutely true – I don't know a word of Mandarin, Cantonese, or any other Chinese language. But I'm not writing Chinese text for a product that will be sold in China. If that was my job, I might try talking to someone who actually speaks Chinese.  If I were to write it myself, I'm sure it would be pretty damned funny to Chinese speakers.

If the coffee machine breaks, just drink water

At work, we have a fancy coffee machine in the kitchen which is similar to the Tassimo thing that's all the rage these days. (A friend of mine who didn't drink coffee bought one for his wife, and now he drinks at least a cup a day. You can judge for yourself whether that's a good thing or not.) The one at work takes little pouches (called "pods") of coffee, tea, or hot chocolate, pushes hot water through them at high pressure, and gives you a steaming mug within about 30 seconds. I don't drink coffee but I like the tea and hot chocolate it makes, and the fact that it's ready so quickly is very convenient.

When it's done making your beverage, it automatically drops the used pod out the bottom into a big bin that gets emptied regularly. Now and again a used pod will get stuck, but the people who supply us with the coffee pouches have posted a helpful (hand-written) list of instructions on how to clear it:

The order is VERY specific!!

Turn off, unplug. Open big door, then put your hand under silver packet door, pull off, set aside. Look inside. If you see a pod give 1/4 turn, GENTLY slide out the back (DON'T FORCE).

Plug in, turn on, close big door IN THAT ORDER.

Next, put silver packet door on by putting top into place, smack bottom with your hand. PACKET DOOR  MUST BE PUT ON LAST OR ELSE IT WILL NOT RESET! Good luck.

Good luck indeed. Sorry, but if your product needs this level of detailed instructions (complete with UPPERCASE COMMANDS) to fix a basic problem, you need to revisit your design. Luckily this has never happened to me but if it did, Tim Horton's is only a 3 minute drive away.

Knock knock

I saw this picture the other day and just had to share it. It's one of the first jokes I remember telling when I was a kid.

Cloud computing is like groovy, man

I downloaded a package from sourceforge.net this morning and saw an advertisement for a whitepaper from IBM on cloud computing. This line in the ad intrigued me:

I wonder what kinds of cloud computing initiatives IBM was working on in 1971, when TCP/IP (the protocol used by the internet) hadn't been invented yet?

Graph: Itchy Nose

What led you to me?

Here are some actual searches that led people to my blog from September to December 2010. 

Attention Facebook readers: You might want to click the "View Original Post" link at the bottom of this note. Facebook sometimes messes up the formatting.

• "toop ten 2010 fucking girls an sking" – I have no idea how this led to my blog. I even tried doing the same search and my blog didn't show up in the results. I messed around with this search string to try and make my blog appear in the results – including adding "cut the chatter" to it – but I couldn't.
• "garth brooks bmw truck opera subsidize"
• These three were all on the same day. Not sure if it was the same guy who kept forgetting the answer or three different people, but I have not seen criteria like this on any other day.
  • "my middle name is earl song lyrics"
  • "my middle name is earl lyrics to song"
  • "what song miidle name is earl"
• Someone found my blog through a search from www.google.com.ar. This must be Google's search engine for pirates.
• "my face has sunken"
• "i have been sent home with a t-tube coming out of my tummy what is this"
• "boys on pool table doing the macarena" as well as "macarena boys dancing pool table"
• "procedure for placing drain tube in buttock cheek ct guided"
• "should you call ambulance when acute pancreatitis attack" – on the assumption that you don't want to die, I'd say yes
• "do they have to cut my stomach to tie my tubes"
• "is wayne gretzky circumcised" – I wrote an article on circumcision several years ago and ever since, I've seen a number of searches hit my blog asking about the... um... status of celebrities including Wayne Gretzky, Eric Lindros, Charlie Sheen, Clay Buchholz, and others. I don't know why this information would be of value to anyone and honestly, I don't want to know why someone thinks it might be.

At least they made the playoffs

Nicky's soccer team played in the consolation final yesterday, since they lost their semi-final game last week. The game was tied so they went to penalty shots and ended up losing. (Note that there are only four teams in this league, so fourth place is the same as last.) Nicky's teammate's mother and little sister (I think she's six) were sitting next to me, and this conversation occurred after the game:

Little Girl: Did we win the first place cup?
Mom: No, honey, we didn't.
Little Girl: Did we win second place?
Mom: No.
Little Girl: Third place?
Mom: No, not third either.
Little Girl: Fourth place?
Mom: Yes.
Little Girl: Oh. That's the Stinker Cup.

Minority Report

The Guild

While listening to Wil Wheaton's podcast a few months ago, he played an interview he did with Felicia Day, creator, writer, and star of The Guild, a web comedy series (a TV show but only available on the web). I had never heard of The Guild, but Wil did a number of guest appearances on it and kept talking about how great it was, so I thought I'd give it a try. The Guild is undoubtedly one of the funniest shows I've ever seen, on or off TV. The writing is brilliant, the characters are hilarious, and there are even shocking plot twists and cliffhanger moments that make you look forward to Tuesdays. Each episode is only 6-8 minutes long, and a new episode is released every Tuesday. A "season" lasts for about 12 weeks and season four just finished last week. I started watching The Guild when I was off work, so I managed to catch up with all of seasons 1 through 3 in a couple of days, and during season 4 I tried to watch it every Tuesday night.

The Guild is about a group of six people who play some kind of online game, similar to World of Warcraft (which I've never played). Note that you don't need to know anything about gaming (I don't) to enjoy the show. The game has taken over their lives and they even use each other's game character names when talking in real life. In fact, of the six of them, I only know the real name of one of them – Clara, because her character name is also Clara. Oh wait, Bladezz's name is Simon but even his sister calls him Bladezz. The other characters (except Tink, I believe) have had their real names mentioned, but only a couple of times. The main six characters are part of a guild known as The Knights of Good, meaning that they play together as a group and fight against other guilds. The guild members are:

• Codex is the main character, played by Felicia Day. She's a single woman who's very insecure and always concerned with what the other guild members think of her.
• Zaboo is a young man of Indian descent who is good with computers but has no social skills whatsoever. (When he moves in with Vork, Vork tells him, "Men only shower together when there's more than one shower.") He lived with his very controlling mother until season 3 when he moved in with Vork.
• Vork is a 40-something balding guy who is extremely cheap and follows rules to the letter. He's the leader of the guild.
• Tinkerballa (known as Tink) is a bit of a mystery. I believe she's a med or pre-med student, though her personal life is pretty much off-limits to the other guild members. I don't think they even know her real name. Tink is beautiful and not only is she well aware of this, she uses it to her advantage whenever possible.
• Clara is a stay-at-home mother of three (or two, depending on the season – one seems to have vanished) very young children, who she routinely ignores while playing the game. Her husband, George aka Mr. Wiggly (named after.... um, never mind) once joined the guild temporarily but was completely inept at the game.
• Bladezz is a high school student who works at a local burger joint, "Cheesybeards". Bladezz is always making off-colour sexual comments and was described in a recent episode as "skeevey". Good word.

The Axis of Anarchy is another guild that the Knights of Good are constantly battling with. Their leader is Fawkes, who has a strange love/hate relationship with Codex. Fawkes always has this little "I'm smarter than you but I suppose I can bring myself down to your level" smirk on his face when he's talking to someone. Fawkes is played by Wil Wheaton, who does a great job of playing an evil yet oddly charming douchebag.

When I first started watching it, I assumed that it was done as a web series because it wasn't good enough to be picked up by one of the big networks. <sarcasm>Because you know, the sitcoms that are shown on the big networks are all really good. cough $#*! My Dad Says cough</sarcasm> But it looks as "professional" as any network sitcom, the actors are all really good, and as I said before it's very funny. If it were a network show, they'd have to expand it to 22 minutes per episode, and tripling the length of each episode would likely water it down too much. Having a "live studio audience" watching the taping of each episode would not make the show any better, and God help Felicia Day if she were to add a laugh-track.

Being an internet-based show aimed at geeks, it is a little surprising that the website for The Guild is so confusing. If I were to design it, I'd have a page for each season and links to each episode in that season all in one place, so it's easy to find episodes. There is a blog that has a page for each episode, but that bumps you off to Bing where the episodes are hosted. Once you're there it's not easy to find other episodes – the "related videos" on the right seems to be a random assortment of episodes from all the seasons. One page I went to (season 4 episode 10) had a link to season 4 episode 5 instead so I had to start poking around until I found the right episode. From the time I started looking to the time I was actually watching the right episode was at least five minutes – should be a matter of seconds.

But being an internet-based show aimed at geeks, it is not particularly surprising that there is a fan podcast for The Guild. It's called Knights of the Guild and features a guy named Kenny who is a member of the crew, though he hasn't mentioned (in the few podcasts I've listened to) exactly what he does. After every episode, he does a "companioncast" during which he interviews many cast and crew members and talks about that episode. This is recorded right after the episode was filmed, which is months before it actually airs. Most of these interviews are pretty interesting, though some are kind of Chris Farley-esque. "Remember when <event> happened? That was soooooo funny" isn't much of an interview question. It does seem a little weird to have a 90+ minute podcast about a 7-minute episode, but whatever, it's fun.

I suppose The Guild is not for everybody, but I think a lot of internet geeks like myself (I have a blog, I use twitter, and I use terms like "epic FAIL") would love it. As I said, you don't need to be a gamer (or even a geek) to like the show, but if you're a gamer or a geek, give it a try at watchtheguild.com.

And the winner for best soap box dispenser is...

While driving around town the other day, I spotted a local business sporting a new sign: "Your community's award-winning laundromat". I'm curious as to exactly what awards they won. I guess I've been remiss in my attention to the local laundromat awards.

When they "Your community", do they mean Waterdown, or is this Hamilton-wide? When and where was the ceremony? Is this a rent-the-Legion kind of event, or were they down at the Hamilton Convention Centre? Or Copps Coliseum? We get both the Hamilton and local Flamborough papers, and I don't remember mention of it, but maybe I just missed it. Must have happened while I was in hospital. Yeah, that's gotta be it.

I'm sure that Hamilton's A-list celebrities were all there – that would be star of stage and screen Martin Short, hoser Dave Thomas, Ti-Cats owner Bob Young, and sports journalist Stephen Brunt. And the bands Junkhouse and Teenage Head. Waterdown's A list might also have been there, consisting of... ummmm.... well, the guy that played Harold on the Red Green show used to live here, does that count? And I once saw the coach (at the time) of the Tiger-Cats in the local grocery store, but then he got fired and moved back to London.

Anyway, congratulations to Cedars Laundromat on their victory, and I look forward to seeing if they can make it two in a row at next year's Soapie Awards. Probably on pay-per-view.

Don't you mean "waiter"?

While watching TV the other day, the word "barista" was mentioned. Ryan asked what it meant and I told him it was the person who makes you coffee at Starbucks. His response: "They have a whole word for that?"

Top Ten Funny Song Lyrics

Not necessarily brilliant or insightful, just lyrics that always make me laugh. I left out comedy musicians like Weird Al or Jonathan Coulton (though I always laugh at "one bad-ass fucking fractal"). These are in no particular order.

 

1. Paul McCartney, "Sally"
   When you're away there are grey skies
   And when I'm away there are even more grey skies than the grey skies I told you about before
2. Gin Blossoms, "Cheatin'"
   You can't call it cheatin', cause she reminds me of you
3. ZZ Top, "TV Dinners"
   I like the enchiladas and the teriyaki too
   I even like the chicken if the sauce is not too blue
4. A few self-referential songs, grouped together because they're similar:
   1. Def Leppard, "Me and My Wine"
      You know I'd like to get to know you
      but I ain't got the time, and I'm
      I'm finding it harder and harder
      to make this damn thing rhyme
   2. Alice Cooper, "School's Out"
      Well we got no class
      and we got no principles [principals?]
      and we got no innocence
      we can't even think of a word that rhymes
   3. Primus, "Mr. Know-it-all"
      They call me Mr. Know-it-all
      I am so eloquent
      Perfection is my middle name
      and whatever rhymes with eloquent
5. Led Zeppelin, "Travelling Riverside Blues"
   Squeeze my lemon til the juice runs down my leg
   Squeeze it so hard I'm gonna fall right outta bed...
   I wonder if you know what I'm talkin' 'bout
   The same lyrics are in "The Lemon Song" as well, but the funny part is Robert Plant wondering if we know what he's talkin' 'bout. Right Robert, that's a tough one. I'm not sure I can see through the layers of complicated symbolism there.
6. Tom Petty, "A Mind With A Heart Of Its Own"
   I've been over to your house
   And you've been sometimes to my house
   I've slept in your treehouse
   My middle name is Earl
   (Important note: Tom Petty's middle name is indeed Earl)
7. Autograph, "My Girlfriend's Boyfriend Isn't Me"
   Don't remember any lyrics, I just like the title of this forgettable song from a forgettable band from the mid-80's.
8. Matchbox 20, "Long Day"
   I'm sorry 'bout the attitude I need to give when I'm with you
   But no one else would take this shit from me
9. Dire Straits, "Industrial Disease"
   Two men say they're Jesus
   One of them must be wrong
10. Cake, "Short Skirt/Long Jacket"
    The whole song makes me laugh. It starts off with a guy singing about what kind of girl he wants. He wants "a girl with a mind like a diamond", "is fast and thorough and sharp as a tack", "with a voice that is dark like tinted glass", that kind of thing. Of course, he also wants a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket. Then it gets a little weird. Now he wants a girl "with uninterrupted prosperity, who uses a machete to cut through red tape" and someone who's "touring the facility and picking up slack". And who wouldn't want a girl with "a smooth liquidation" and "good dividends"? Finally he gets really specific:
    At Citibank we will meet accidentally ["Meet accidentally!" yell the backup singers]
    We'll start to talk when she borrows my pen...
    She's changing her name from Kitty to Karen
    She's trading her MG for a white Chrysler LeBaron